the change is not in me

You see, I cannot change, I haven't changed. I've tried all my life. Sure, I changed the things I've done, but this does not change me. I don't want to be me. And the guilt, oh the fucking guilt. I said I was letting it go, why am I fucking lieing to myself? What is it with the guilt? I know it's not right, but I feel responsible. These entries of change are pitiful, they are scum, just like their creator. Ines is out with Justin again. Yeah, I thought of Dylan. Fuck Dylan.  I have too much time on my hands, I have isolated myself again. And I will continue to do so for months to come. Human interaction? Fuck society, people scare me. I am trying to focus on my school, I can graduate this year, I know I can do this. Self-discipline is all it takes. I am doing my academics, at least i'm doing something.
Keith, there is a reason I made him my ex, everything was all fucked up. Everything is all fucked up. My stupid fucking conflicting feelings. Some days I feel I need him, right now I want nothing to do with him. He disgusts  me, but I disgust myself. I want to be a butterfly, I don't want to be this fly. I always land in shit, I am drawn to it. I want to wake up on a fucking flower. I want to be beautiful. I stink.
I'm going to leave this house when I graduate, it will be so hard to leave my mother.
In the same year, my mother and my father abandon me, kicked me out. Now I feel like an infant, I want to be held close, so close. I never want to screw up again, I can't take that agony ever again. I would kill myself this time. I had nothing to live for but I got high, really really high, and then I got sick. I liked the sick. I don't even have Oxy's anymore, it would be fatal.
I am, and will always be, a fucking desert.

these are entries of change

AUGEST 30 2010

These are entries of change. Change is all I can do at this point. Yesterday and today and the the day before that I hung out with Dylan. I couldn't explain how he made me feel at first. But, today it really dawned upon me. Alot of things did. He brings out the good part of me the part that strives to become. He reminded me that I do care. I thought this was dead.
I need to stop smoking weed. I smoke it and do nothing. I don''t want the 'high' of my life to be marijuana. First step, stop blazing. I can't even conjure up the motivation to do anything.

AUGEST 31 2010

So I've had a deuce today. I wasn't gonna smoke but I saw Kim with 1 and I had to have deuce.
BOAH do I ever want a smoke.
I won't have one. Cold turkey.
And I won't blaze period.
Otherwise, I don't really care for this.
I'm going to get my lip pierced now. I can feel it, part of me re-birthed. haha.

SEPTEMBER 1 2010

I bought books today, I went swimming, I hoolahooped and got an earring too gage my ear. I had the most fulfilling day. It was most happily spent with my sisters :D Fuck I love them soo much. My family is my everything. I haven't smoked, I haven't blazed. I am still here, and I feel stronger. I want so much out of life. I am going to start reading. Last night, I attempted to go on a jog. I got a terrible cramp and had to go home. I am so happy. I am doing this for me. I've decided, i'm simply going to embrace.
haha I forgot to put the word 'life', embrace life. From the weed homie.
I've chosen to be happy.

SEPTEMBER 2 2010

Another fantastic day. I am not fending smokes. Mom, Shane and us girls went to city park for about 5 hours. We set up a tight rope!!! It was so much fun. We also played Frisbee, then ultimate Frisbee. I sweated a lot. We ordered pizza and smoked sheesha. I love doing things. So I came to realize that my life ain't bad at all. When I was young, I had so much inner pain. Why?
I had these issues, OCD tendencies, little rituals I had to preform; everything had to even up. I knew it wsn't normal, I forced myself to stop that foolishness. I suppressed a large part of me.
And, maybe I was mean't to be a freak? I thought I knew I was a freak. Why did I positively know I was fucked? I did fucked up shit...I may have been a little bit neglected...alright maybe alot. No one ever knew what was going on inside my head. My eyes were brimming with tears and I cracked jokes to mask the pain. I've begun to accept myself for who I am. I'm still not 100 % comfortable in my shoes but i'm getting there. I used to have such hate for myself, SUCH AN INTENSE HATE. I'm proud of how much i've grown. And there's so much to come.

SEPTEMBER 3 2010

I drank last night with Joscelyn and Jeremy (paper Gangster). I wanted to smoke and blaze soo bad. I got a hold of myself though. I'm proud of me.
Right now, i'm on my was to KSS to register for school. I'm registering Ines too! She is coming to live with us. I am happy. I feel relatively full. Emily and Sarah left this morning, I cried. Fuck, I miss them. I love my sisters so much.
------
Fuck, they are only accepting registrations for students in the area. I've cried because I miss them. The pain i'm feeling also has to do with Shane and Ines, confusion, and the reality of the situations. I can still hope for. I am sad.

SEPTEMBER 5 2010

Wow. Yesterday I did MDMA. I bummed it off some guy on the bus, he tried to sell me some. I made him give me a sample. I'm so pathetic. I was drinking Wisers with Riely and David and Reagen and then we went over to Mikey's and eventually Marco showed up. I decided to be stressed becuse he smoked a joint with Julie. I had half a smoke, then I fucked off to Kelowna to hang out with Robert. He ditched me to go to Rutland and so I did more MDMA. Oh yeah, I was snorting it. I had 5 more smokes at least. Then, tonight I smoked a joint. Today, i've felt fucked. I was talking to Dylan and he asked me what was on my mind. I strait up told him, all about Shane, and how I feel toxic, about me not wanting to move to Richmond and being confused about it, how Julie says I lead on guys b/c my guy friends like me. When he read it he was like 'I don't know what to say, I can't help you out, Good luck' Then he logged of or went offline. I was so pissed I messaged him and called him a fuck bag, I feel so fucking empty and depressed. I want so much more out of life, I want a purpose. I want to be loved. I feel i'm on the verge of a breakdown these days. It's getting cold, I can feel it in my bones. The cold makes me loopy. Where is my sanity? I am going insane I feel. I need to be on my own.

SEPTEMBER 6 2010

Anyways, Dylan blocked and deleted me off facebook. That actually hurt me. I wanted him. People in my life, they come and go.

SEPTEMBER 7 2010

Still livid about the Dylan thing, I feel like such a tool. I have to get over it. I talked to Ines today, she keeps me strong. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end.
----
On my way to jack Emily's address and use it to register in school.
----
whaddo you know, i'm on my was back from Keiths. I won't let the guilt consume me, there's none to be had.I didn't know I was losing weight, I slowly am. Perhaps, that was awhile ago though. Not sure. Maybe if there was more food to eat. But that's self-pity, I have enough. I have no idea how good I have it. At least I'm aware of that.  I fucking miss Keith. I miss what we had. I felt like we were perfect for each other. Maybe i'm just lonley.
So just as we got rejected from Mission school and walked out the door, the secretary came out and said we actually could get in. She'd double checked 'our address'.
I'm dehydrated. I have drank only a cup of coffee today and it's almost 10 pm.
When Ines gets here things will be better. But i'm counting on her for happy? I need to keep prospering, I must keep growing.
A couple days ago I sent Shane a message on facebook. I told him how I loved him and he had hurt me. I explained my disgust with him. I told him I thought he was pathetic and that I think I wish i'd never met him.
It had to be done.
I'm trying to rid my life of negativity. I've been depressed recently. On top of everything, I don't feel I have friends to see me through it all. When it comes down to me needing help, I don't think they'd give two shits about me. This is saddening. Arrrg, i'm so thirsty.
I want to be much more healthy. I will start with drinking more water.
I'm not proud of what i've just done, I'm not ashamed either.

AUGEST 8 2010

First day of school. I saw Nellie and Dalton. Also, I met 2 German exchange students- Sebastian and Julian. And I met Mike, he sits next to me in English. I was terribly nervous today, I paced and stuttered alot. In English, I almost cried. Fortunately, I saved the crying for after school. The teacher gave us this assignment where we had to analyze a sonnet. I didn't understand it, I couldn't pick out anything. :( Mike explained it to me and gave me the answers. I still didn't understand. And then we had to stand up and say something about the sonnet. I stood there like a fool until it was just me left standing. I had nothing. I felt so stupid and pathetic. But I didn't let myself break down. Tears brimmed my eyes... I'm so motivated now, motivated to learn. To prospur. To grow.

SEPTEMBER 10 2010

I want to take pills to make the time pass.  I dont want to be me.
So i've been having these feelings. Like, I can't sew through it. Fuck. I am transitioning again. This is fucked. I've already broken down today and it's only my second day at school? No, third day. I want out. The conflict is too great.
Maybe it's the cancer. Actually cancer. Boy, i'd love to say that. I feel like i'm discinigrating.

SEPTEMBER 11 2010

At times I feel weak. So weak. Take yesterday for example. I wanted to die. Right now I feel hopeful. It really is my mindstate. I need to be more positive. I'm wallowing in my own mud of self pity. It's just me at my pity party.

SEPTEMBER 15 2010

hmm. So I realize how negative I am. It's very destructive, slef-destructive. I feel to much guilt, and I don't need it. Most of it unnecessary. I'm ridding my life of guilt. People have made me feel like shit in my past for things. Namely, my father. I've never forgiven myself for things I never did.  I am letting go, it isn't my fault. I feel too responsible for everything. I am not. I am accepting this.

SEPTEMBER 16 2010

Yesterday night was one of the worst and the best nights of my life. It hurt so bad i'm so glad I have Ines here. I need her optimism.

SEPTEMBER 17 2010

That night, it was so painful, I felt so guilty I didn't stand up for my mother. I should of been there for her. I let Teisha treat her like shit and degrade her like that.
The pain is here. Somehow I am battling it. I'm not letting it take me over. I won't succomb just yet. Fuck. I am sad, i'm confused, I feel so weak but I know I need to stay strong. I cannot give up. Hopefully, we are moving tonight. Oh god, let it be tonight.
I feel so alone.

SEPTEMBER 18 2010

I can't change who I am and what I feel. I can only change the things I do. If that is me lieing to myself, then so be it. I read my writings to prove that I survived. Thank god were leaving that house. Yesterday, I felt disturbed all day. Something didn't feel right. Then mom got home from work and says we  weren't moving that day, we'd do it tomorrow. Why, I got so pissed. So fucking angry. Then Justin talks to Ines for hours, typical. She's thinking about getting back together with him. Fuck.. I must stop trying to keep them from getting back together. Things that are going to happen, will happen, that's it. I'm going to go insane if I keep this up. Putting energy into things that are out of my control is the stupidest idea i've had yet. I seem to do this alot, it drives me insane. Why am i so unhappy now? I feel it's out of my control. I feel like it's just the way I am. When this comes on, it could be whenever, no matter how I felt.
I slept over at Keith's last night. We fucked and I felt like shit. I always do. I was tired, I passed right out and woke up this morning at 8 and left. I feel terrible and guilty. The guilt. It's overwhelming.
Fuck.
Why do I get like this? I feel like my world is over. I can't understand why it happens. Why?
I want isolation.
I'm desolated.
I want someone like me. Right now my whole world is the pain. I'm keeping on because I know I must. I feel dead, I have no dreams. I'm so cold, i'm trying to stay warm but I keep getting colder.
Will it always be like this?
I've been binge eating, I gained 10 pounds in about a week. I'm on my to the TP's, there is nothing for me there.
Some days, I can find a little hope, and I think I can do this.
I feel so weak, I've been craving happy pills. Fuck. I want a mentor maybe...i dont know.

SEPTEMBER 22 2010

So far I'm feeling fine. I took an antidepressant today, I feel much better, anxiety free.

SEPTEMBER 23 2010

So I didn't have school today. My mother said for me to wait for her to go out and do laundry and get hair due. She said she was going to the bank with Kevin and would be right back. It's been 5 hours and she hasn't come back yet. How can she ditch me like that with no regards to my feelings? I'm hurt. :(
----
I saw her car pull up and so I ran out the back door; I told Ines and Julie to say that I left crying. I'm not crying but I feel like it. I feel so empty. I'm anxious. I've walked aways away and I'm sitting under a large willow tree, on a rock. I might be on someone's property.
My mother is working things out with him I feel. The separation is rekindling their infatuation (love? could they possibly love each other?) She even told me she wanted to spend time with Kevin and not me today. She's been spending every minute, except work and sleep with him. She has chosen then, fuck.  I think I am and have been, in denial. I'm not important to her anymore. Ines is here, it would appear that she isn't doing so well. She has dropped out of her courses and is hanging out with Justin everyday (almost) It seems, we are rubbing off on her, destruction. I don't think living here is a good lifestyle for her. She even said herself she thinks she's starting to lose the ability to decipher right from wrong. I think I know she must go back. But I don't want her to leave, I feel she is holding me together. That's selfish of me. I feel terrible. I want a cigarette. Fuck.
What am I living for? I thought things were working out. I want him out of my life. Gone. forever. I'm so selfish. I want my mom for myself. I want Ines for me too. Maybe I should think about them and let them be. I know I could choose not to let this affect me. I am being a baby. I feel helpless. I don't really feel these are entries of change.
-----
I've fixed myself up in the willow tree. I feel better up here.
----
I'm now at the top of the tree. I feel slightly scared up here. I will stay.

SEPTEMBER 24 2010

A squirrel came and scared me out of the tree. I got home and took a sleeping pill and slept for 16 hours. So now my mom tells me that she might not be able to afford this place. Fuck. Why the fuck would she even move then?
I am a financial burden, not much more. Sure, people have become attached to me.

SEPTEMBER 27 2010

I went for my colopscopy today and found out that I have a 'slight hpv infection'. In other words, I have hpv.

OCTOBER 2 2010

I looked it up, abnormal cells= high risk, high risk are high risk for cancer. So i've been busy and anxious. Disorder. I made a plan too win mommy's love and break them up. I spent a day pampering her and countless hours researching methods. I drank R & R with Robert on the 28th. It was his birthday. Then, last night me, Chris + his friends, em and julie got drunk. Julie got out of control (like always) and made out with two guys who eventually fought one over it. I've been chilling with emily. I got into a fight with Keith (facebook + phone) I treated him like shit then he brought up me fucking random people and getting hpv and  giving it to him. I was like "your right, you got me. I'm not laughing anymore" and blocked him. That hurt. Fuck me, fuck him.
I've dreamt of Dylan. WTF. Why do I still think about him.
My lite is dim.
I know I've been a whore.
Today, I got mad at Julie for kissing those guys. She called me a whore and said I fuck every guy that I meet. She also said Ben said I was a tease. I feel so degraded, I feel like a slut. Fuck her. I must keep changing me. I don't sleep around anymore. Fuck.
I'm so lonely. I hate being lonely.
----
It's probably like 3am. I drank with Robert and Emily and am drunk as fuck. Vodka. I smoked 2 smokes (deuces) and had two hoots of weed. Ines is out with Justin again.
"I've never felt so alone in my life"
I want someone to hold. fml. I'm getting depressed. I'm trying to deny the inevitable, i'm trying to forget the truth. I feel I have false hope. I don't want to die.
I feel ashamed; so no one knows.
I'm a pig. I've been fucking around. Time to think is time spent worrying.
----
why can't I forget that fuck--because he wasn't a fuck...he was perfect. I hate the thought that he thought I was a mouse. I was nothing like that.
I'm listening to Nightwish right now. They are so fucking amazing. However, I just thought about how Keith had told me Dylan liked them alot. I fucking love them- fuck him.
I was going at her and I couldn't even finish. I wan't to help those I care for. But, right now im going numb. I need to get high drunk to feel or I need to lie, I need to steal. I feel like a monster. I've done treacherous things. I've spent the majority of my life hurting people. Does this not define a monster? They were in pain and I was pleased. :(
I feel so sick. I feel confused. I'm tired of living. of hurting and trying. this nothingness is intense.

OCTOBER 3 2010

Anxious, hungover. I should stop drinking to escape.
Fuck Kim, fuck her plans. I will hate her, what will I do.
I'm scared of this.
What's to come? I'm all alone.
I
ripped
my
precious
journaling
pages...
:(
it's not
like i'm
getting
anywheres...
am I getting
anywheres? I want
someone to tell me
what to do.
----
I'm in my bed, i'm in my head. I know here i'm better off.

It's Augest today

It's augest today. That's two years that my life has been stuck in this sick routine, and i wasn't even aware of it. We moved,shit changed in my life and I thought i was down a different road. Every day has been the same, it was always like this.Two years ago, this very day, i was in the same shoes. i am in my shoes. I guess it doesn't really matter does it? I am here.I am me. i know what i want..... i thought i got away? that was just a time-out, the punishment they gave me. I am back, i'm stronger now. but i need to do something
------------------------------------------------
it's augest 8th today... I think i'm becoming the one thing i never wanted to be, this self-desstructing, unproductive pig.My routine is back, the weed is like my heroin. FUCK. i smoke it and i do nothing. i smoke it all day. i can't let it tie me down. The stability, i'm on the brink of insanity, because there is no stability. I get high and I can balence my weight so i can walk. It grounds me. I'm not high, i feel antsy, the anxiety is eating me.
------------------------------------------------
augest 11th, 11:33pm
i am tired, i only slept a few hours last night, i went to bed at 5am. i'm just killing time. I'm seriously considering quitting smoking weed and getting a fucking job, quitting smoking as well. i need money. i lust for
everything i could never afford, what i don't have now. I want it all, i'll just go out there and fucking grab it.
the world is my oyster. i'm wasting awawy, this is for sure. I know i can break away. I toasted to my freedom yesterday,i got fucking shit faced in the bush. i could get drunk right now.i've smoked all my weed, nothing new. maybe i will. i will think some more tomorrow.
------------------------------------------------
AUGEST 17TH
I have moved into Teishs'as bedroom now, i quit smoking yesterday so today is my first day without smokes.? And I am without internet connection.What the fuck. I don't particularily like this room, i've gone through all my shit though. i'm the fuck i always have been, the shit i'm in ain't gone. I could be on the road tomorrow.. but i have no money.I know i should get a job. Make yourself get a job, do it. Perhaps i Will. I need money..i just bought na quarter yesterday evening and i have like a gram left! I am a fuck. And i'm about the fuck; however, i can be everything. If i constantly do productive things, I will of put alot into my character. Perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy. I am battling the baked-ass.
Perma-fryed i am starting to feel  like. FUUUCCCCKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU, FFFFUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOUUUUU!
I need a shower, what's new? I SAW IT SO CLEAR. I WAS GONE AND IT WAS RIGHT THERE, NOW I'M BACK AND I'M STUCK IN A DEADRUT. I can release me from this dead rut. I will prove that to myself. I understand it now, i can't see it because i'm living it. f-i-g-h-t. I never gave up before, what's changed now. The lazy has got the best of me.
------------------------------------------------
Augest 18th
i'm fucking pissed the fuck off. I want smokes.. i had like 3 smokes yesterday night and during the day i had a bullseye.(shared with cody/shane)I am  feneding pretty bad. i'm making my mom take me up town soon to get ice cream. My faamily is being insensitive about my quitting smoking i think. So far Kim and mom have called me a cunt, and mom called me a fucking cow yesterday and said i could walk home from uptown. I miss Ines, I miss my life, i want it back, i feel like i don't have the strength to go on with it. What am I doing to Shane? I'm toying with his heart, I am a bitch. I love him but i'm fucked. He deserves much better
than me. I wrote all this, i wrote it all. I had 150$ throughout the last 3 days and i spent it all on weed. HAHA i blaze way too much. I was quite anxious yesterday, pacing around and shit.

aUGEST 19TH
iT'S TECHNICALLY THE 19TH, CAUSE ITS 12:14 AM IN THE MORNING. sHANE JUST LEFT, WE JUST FUCKED. i'M NOT BECOMING THE PERSON
I WANT TO BE, WHY AM I BECOMING ME? i MISS MY FAMILY, I STRESS THAT ALOT. nOTHING'S THE SAME ANYMORE AND I'M AFRIAD OF CHANGE.
sTUCK IN THIS ROUTINE. mY THROAT HURTS ALOT, MUST'VE BEEN ALL THE BONG HOOTS. i MISS FACEBOOK.
-JUST VEGGED THE FUK OUT.
BEEN EATING ALOT; GOT MY MOM TO BUY ME MC DONALDS YESTERDAY AND WENDY'S TODAY AND A TUB OF CHOCOLATE ICECREAM: ALL GONE.
-WOW JUST ATE AGAIN, 2 SANDWHICHES AND A BOWL OF LEFTOVER DINNER FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK. nEVER MIND I HAD EATEN RIGHT BEFORE DINNER AND THE CONTINUOUS ICECREAM EATIN ALL DAY. THEN I HAD A SNACK AFTER DINNER.
------------------------------------------------
AUGEST 20TH
ITS KEVIN TARPEYS BDAY TODAY


but i have more questions, the first 3.5/4 were premeditated, i think i'm just wanting to talk now
and we can't have that
so i think this is goodbye..
4:18pmMe
yesi
4:18pmChad
one more
but i know i shouldn't ask this
When you got over me, does that mean you stopped loving me?
4:19pmMe
idk
no
im not in love with you
the weed makes me not care as i said b4
thats why im a bigtch
cause i say shit like it is
i dont give a fuck
4:20pmChad
oh
well
I still love you, it's hard to know that you don't
but
fuck
4:22pmChad
I just want you to hear that I love you, I care about you and the things you do even if I don't want to and you really hurt me
4:22pmMe
ya
4:22pmChad
and we can't talk anymore
i wish this was as easy is at was for you
goodbye
4:26pmMe
bye keith
try to take things easy
4:26pmChad
try to go fuck yourself
4:27pmMe
i wasnt trying to be a bitch
i was serious
sorry
and maybe i will
4:28pmChad
wouldn't suprise me
4:28pmMe
haha
fuck you
budd
4:28pmChad
budd?
fuck you
4:29pmMe
haha yeah budd
4:29pmChad
mindless fucking retard
4:29pmMe
LOLZl
shit ehhh
mother fuckin bomb
4:31pmChad
Your so rediculously transparent, maybe your trying to be obvious but angela, I'm angry. You have really hurt me so fuck you
4:31pmMe
anyways
i am trying to be obviousi
4:32pmChad
you going yet?
4:32pmMe
and im not transparent you cant see through me
4:32pmChad
you don't even understand, your really are transparent
4:32pmMe
that was a little show 4 you
caus ei know you love it
fuck you
bye
4:34pmChad
later
4:34pmMe
alright
just goatta block u
thenim loggin off
7:23pmChad is offline.

thats only the very end part of my convo, after he asked me all the questions. what a fuckk. so that happened today. I talked to Dylan today, he made me remember that i do care. I won't succomb to this bullshit forever. Not for long. Blah blah blah i keep saying this, i've been saying this for years, but i've been preparing and training and growing. I think i'm now ready.

fukk i have to go outrside cause i said to shane and dalton that i would meet thaem at the park in 7:45pm and it is now time cause i'm going to smoke weed and hash with them at calvin at cody's house, he's gone.rant end-

we never matched him.
got home. kevin in my face. in my fucking face. being drunk and fucking making me do my dishes when there is a fuck load in the sink and julie gets an allowence for doing dishes. so i did them. no complaint. he's been making sick jokes about me fucking shane, i felt uncomfrotable around him in my pink spandex pants. He's trying to dictate me, he has. I just shut up and put up. I know he's controlling me, and he doesn't deserve too. i hate it. i hate him. fuck, i've been wating for my mom for years. she still hasn't left him. were all going down with her, she is dying, i see it. my little sister, looked up to me, i'm a peice of shit, i fucked her up so much more.. weed helps me bear the weight, what can i say, unless i get away, when i'm out of the house. this is why i love kelowna. nobody could ever find me, and cuntbagkim told them all i was doing crack.
better than that. i wish i had more family. i could never ask my gramma of any such thing, same as.. fuck all my family. i'm drawn to mentally insane people. fuck.
------------------------------------------------
AUGEST 21ST 2010
I DON'T WANT TO BE ME. WHERE IS MY MOTHER? SHE ABANDONED ME IN HER UPTOPIA PROCESS. I FORGOT ABOUT IT..THE DRUGS. ALOT OF DRUGS. THEN I FORGAVE HER. BUT EVERYTHING IS THE SAME NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I FEEL EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE RIGHT NOW, I'VE BEEN CRYING. I HAVE NO WEED LEFT, THE EMOTIONS ARE SEEPING IN. THE UNSTBAILITY MAKES MY STOMACH ACHE. I- I'M ALWAYS FALLING DOWN,.
I HATE THIS LIFE.
MOM ISN'T COMING, IS SHE? WILL SHE? JULIE SAYS SHE DOESN'T NOTICE, I GUESS IT DOESN'T PHASE HER ANYMORE. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. I MADE ME. THEY CREATE SHIT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. BUT I FEEL SO GUILTY, MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD? AM I DESTROYING OUR LIVES? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WANT TO RUN AWAY. AGAIN.
BEAUTY FADES. EVERYTHING WILL GROW OLD AND DIE. WHAT DO I DO? I HATE THIS LIFE. FUCK. I AM NEGLECTING EVERYTHING. I GET PERMA-FRYED AND I NEGLECT.
MY WISH NEVER CAME TRUE. I WANTED EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT, I WANTED TO BE HAPPY. I WANTED MY FAMILY. BUT THE YEARS HAVE GONE BY AND WE'VE ALL GONE OUR OWN WAYS. I THINK THERE IS NO HOPE LEFT FOR MY MOTHER, THIS MAKES ME SO EMPTY. I CANT LET HER DIE. IT'S MY FAULT FOR PUSHING IT. IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, HE WOULDN'T OF BEEN HERE. I SHOULD OF DIED A LONG TIME AGO. MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE..BUT I- THE GUILT.  IT'S MY FAULT THINGS ARE THE  WAY THEY ARE, I HAVE TO PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER. POOR JULIE, HER BROKEN PERSON.  I WISH I WAS NOT ME. I WISH I HAD BEEN BLOWN ONTO MY MOTHERS CHEST AND WIPED AWAY. SCUM. THAT'S WHAT I AM. THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER BEEN. I BRING PAIN, AND DRAMA. I'VE HEARD SO MANY THINGS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS TRUE ANYMORE. MANIPULATION? IS IT EMBEDDED INTO MY BRAIN? A CUNT, I TRY NOT TO FUCK AROUND. LIAR. CHEAT. THEIF. SCAM ARTIST. THE ANTI-CHRIST FOR FUCKS SAKE! A STURBBORN SLUT. ALWAYS A BITCH. SICK. DIRTY. MISANTHROPIC.FUCK MY FATHER, FUCK THAT ASSHOLE. FUCK EVERYTHING.
I'M BACK.
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Technically, again, it's augest 22. anyhow..
i am putting energy into things that are out of my control, this is surely a way to go crazy.
Question is, are they really out of my control?
my throat fucking hurts.
Perhaps i'm being a pathetic loser about all of this. My mom isn't going to die..hopefully..soon anyhow.
just read a cosmopolitan
hm
need cigarette
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Augest 22 2010

it's actually the 23rd technically. i haven't slept yet, eaeaearrrlly morrnin

i hate what i've become; it pain's me. When i get high, it shuts my mind up.. it don't solve my problems it prolongs them.
Over time, the reality seeps out,i try to stuff the cracks to shut them up.

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SEPTEMBER 05 2010

So i quit smoking and smoking weed cold turkey on the 31st. However, yesterday i did some MDMA and drank and ended up having like at least 5 smokes. Then, i smoked a joint tonight with David and Riely.
feel like a fuck. fuck , i feel i am slipping back into a deadrut. I want a purpose in this life, i need a purpose. I'm not satasfied, i want closure. Maybe, it's just a comedown from that shit. I'm in the worst mind state right now. I feel like it's crystal clear though. Here i am, feeding my body drugs and alchohol, rotting away in a trailer park, hanging out with skids who, when it comes down to crunch time, wouldn't give two shits about helping me out. I am living here and i hate it, i want out; they all tell me to finish school.. I think I need to get away. I want guidence, i need someone to tell me what to do. But, i'm still going to want what i want, to thrive for. Maybe I am ready...
Fuck.
In that case, i'm stupid to be living my life, killing my body and filling my mind with toxic waste. I might as well get on my own, where the anxiety subsides, and my mind is at ease. I might as well be on my own,
growing stronger. I'm staying up all night again, I will sleep during the day. I told Sarah I would get my belay liscence, fuck it seems to take strength. Dylan told me i wasn't self-disciplined... i guess i have let myself slip. I am even too lazy to get a job.
I WILL GET A JOB.
I WILL GET A FUCKING JOB.
cause i am out of here.
it's almost 6am, and i know i must sleep. fuck. for fuck.

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SEPTEMBER 5TH 2010

drr it's now night time. I have been trying to ignore this but is fucking bothers me alot. I unleashed my problems onto Dylan and he didn't know what to say, so he said good luck. It pissed me off and I called him a fuck bag. So he deleted and blocked me off facebook. Why does it bother me so much?? Fuck, i really liked him. I felt some weird connection there. Maybe i'm just lonley. But I know it's not that, i love the person he is, everything i ever wanted to be it seems. FUCK, he is not in my life anymore. The people in my life, they are for shit. I am for shit. I want to meet somebody, a monster maybe. I took an antidepressant awhile ago, i kind of feel fucked. Shallow breathing, i like it. fuck im such an ugly person. I hate pain, i hate the fucking pain. I am phasing again, i can feel it. My mind is going, there is nothing. I want to die, i want to die.
There is nothing for me here, it;s always been like this. I can't escape the twisted feeling, it hits me down, it drags me down. They try to comfort me and i push them away. In the past week I have hurt so many people.
If i wasn't here, this wouldn't be an issue.
FUCK.
i want it to end.
i want to go to Kelowna.
i wont go there tonight.
I want someone to talk too, someone who understands.
I feel so alone and nobody can help me.
This came on so fucking fast, it's terrible.
I'm tired of trying, i'm tired of living, of searching and hurting.
nobody understands. of course nobody understands.
I am very toxic to myself, i thought i was getting better. i feel so empty, so alone, so cold. I am cold. Why was i born
this way? What kind of a god would allow this?
It hurts so bad, and i can't change it. I tried to make the best, there is not much to do. I want to smoke, i want
to blaze...where would that get me? FUCK. maybe i am just having cigarette withdrawls.... I don't think so.
Talking to Dylan comforted me in a way I can't explain..
thats gone now. I shouldn't care, i don't deserve to feel this way about him. I don't even know him. And, obviously, i am
nothing to him.
I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't feel like i can go to school. I cant get my belay liscense.
fuck the strength is gone. i cant stop crying now. look at this self pity, i'm pathetic.
All i eve wanted was to be happy, i wanted to do good for my body. I've ruined everything. I really did.
it's so cold. i hate the cold. if i was dead, i wouldnt miss out, i'd be gone.
contemplating the end. The easy way out, it's easy to say.
i won't kill myself, i couldn't do that to my family. too bad i care so much about them.
the day went by so fast, i was on my laptop all day.
but, i'm starting to feel a little high, a little dizzy, a little sick. I like this. I am starting to feel numb.
Cold. but moreso numb.
I don't know what to do with my life. I want to cut myself, that's pathetic.
i feel sleepy and sick. i didn't spill my blood. i will lay down and sleep.
oh yeah, that pill made me numb, i like numb. It makes me think of codine.

SEPTEMBER 18TH 2010

so i didnt kill myself. thank-god? Fuck. We are moving, finally. Thank god. And because i stuck around, this didn't make it
possible. It was never up to me, never in my control. My mother decided to leave when she felt good and ready too. I could of
left a long time ago, made my life easier on myself? However, i am packing now. I made Ines move in with me. She is helping
the shit feelings. But she doesns't understand, she never will. I want someone who understands. I want them. I don't think
I want to talk to Keith for a long time, I felt guilty about being around him. I am using hi. There, i've said it. I am using
him when i feel lonley, when i want to talk to him. When it's good for me. And i feel i am done with him now, he has nothing
left too offer me. I am a bitch for saying this, for feeling this way. I can't lie to myself. What kind of a person would
I be then? I feel terrible today, so terrible. I want nothing. I am binge eating, I do that.

SEPTEMBER 24 2010

Here i am, in Mission. I've moved, my dream came true, I am happy now. Right? Not so much. I let my entire existence revolve
around him- the monster. I had this list, the ultimate list, and when everything on that list was checked off could i be
happy. I am starting to see it doesn't work that way. If i want to be happy then I must. I cannot wait for things to happen.
I thought when we got out of the house everything would be perfect. we are gone, on our own. I am not happy. In fact,
i feel quite positively hopless. I'd say it's because Kevin in still in our lives. And the seperation, seemed to do them
more good then bad. It seems to me, that it has re-kindled their infatuation (love?could they possibly love eachother??). My
mother now spends all free time with him, that means, none for me. I am hurt. I feel empty. Yesterday I thought about the end
of it all, how peaceful it seems. Only, if I was dead, it wouldn't be peaceful, it would be nothing.
AND WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL THINK ABOUT DYLAN?! THIS IS FUCKING PISSING ME OFF. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. I feel
like I need some closure. Whatever, I don't deserve it anyhow.
I just finished eating alot of fucking food, i am a fat ass binge eater, i fucking disgust myself.
I force myself to go to school, it only takes a little bit of self-discipline. I know this. However, my disease is eating
away at me and it taking my mind, my sanity, it's taking my cool. I feel feeble,I feel incapable, I don't feel fine. Yesterday,
I took a sleeping pill and slept for 16 hours to escape my reality. Ines talks of leaving, I know she should. Why did I even
make her come out here? This enviroment is terrible for her, i know this. I want out.
I know I have to take it day by day. God, i want a fucking smoke so bad. I want to get high. I want to get drunk.
I feek pathetic, as do I sound it too.