the change is not in me

You see, I cannot change, I haven't changed. I've tried all my life. Sure, I changed the things I've done, but this does not change me. I don't want to be me. And the guilt, oh the fucking guilt. I said I was letting it go, why am I fucking lieing to myself? What is it with the guilt? I know it's not right, but I feel responsible. These entries of change are pitiful, they are scum, just like their creator. Ines is out with Justin again. Yeah, I thought of Dylan. Fuck Dylan.  I have too much time on my hands, I have isolated myself again. And I will continue to do so for months to come. Human interaction? Fuck society, people scare me. I am trying to focus on my school, I can graduate this year, I know I can do this. Self-discipline is all it takes. I am doing my academics, at least i'm doing something.
Keith, there is a reason I made him my ex, everything was all fucked up. Everything is all fucked up. My stupid fucking conflicting feelings. Some days I feel I need him, right now I want nothing to do with him. He disgusts  me, but I disgust myself. I want to be a butterfly, I don't want to be this fly. I always land in shit, I am drawn to it. I want to wake up on a fucking flower. I want to be beautiful. I stink.
I'm going to leave this house when I graduate, it will be so hard to leave my mother.
In the same year, my mother and my father abandon me, kicked me out. Now I feel like an infant, I want to be held close, so close. I never want to screw up again, I can't take that agony ever again. I would kill myself this time. I had nothing to live for but I got high, really really high, and then I got sick. I liked the sick. I don't even have Oxy's anymore, it would be fatal.
I am, and will always be, a fucking desert.