These are entries of change. Change is all I can do at this point. Yesterday and today and the the day before that I hung out with Dylan. I couldn't explain how he made me feel at first. But, today it really dawned upon me. Alot of things did. He brings out the good part of me the part that strives to become. He reminded me that I do care. I thought this was dead.
I need to stop smoking weed. I smoke it and do nothing. I don''t want the 'high' of my life to be marijuana. First step, stop blazing. I can't even conjure up the motivation to do anything.
AUGEST 31 2010
So I've had a deuce today. I wasn't gonna smoke but I saw Kim with 1 and I had to have deuce.
BOAH do I ever want a smoke.
I won't have one. Cold turkey.
And I won't blaze period.
Otherwise, I don't really care for this.
I'm going to get my lip pierced now. I can feel it, part of me re-birthed. haha.
SEPTEMBER 1 2010
I bought books today, I went swimming, I hoolahooped and got an earring too gage my ear. I had the most fulfilling day. It was most happily spent with my sisters :D Fuck I love them soo much. My family is my everything. I haven't smoked, I haven't blazed. I am still here, and I feel stronger. I want so much out of life. I am going to start reading. Last night, I attempted to go on a jog. I got a terrible cramp and had to go home. I am so happy. I am doing this for me. I've decided, i'm simply going to embrace.
haha I forgot to put the word 'life', embrace life. From the weed homie.
I've chosen to be happy.
SEPTEMBER 2 2010
Another fantastic day. I am not fending smokes. Mom, Shane and us girls went to city park for about 5 hours. We set up a tight rope!!! It was so much fun. We also played Frisbee, then ultimate Frisbee. I sweated a lot. We ordered pizza and smoked sheesha. I love doing things. So I came to realize that my life ain't bad at all. When I was young, I had so much inner pain. Why?
I had these issues, OCD tendencies, little rituals I had to preform; everything had to even up. I knew it wsn't normal, I forced myself to stop that foolishness. I suppressed a large part of me.
And, maybe I was mean't to be a freak? I thought I knew I was a freak. Why did I positively know I was fucked? I did fucked up shit...I may have been a little bit neglected...alright maybe alot. No one ever knew what was going on inside my head. My eyes were brimming with tears and I cracked jokes to mask the pain. I've begun to accept myself for who I am. I'm still not 100 % comfortable in my shoes but i'm getting there. I used to have such hate for myself, SUCH AN INTENSE HATE. I'm proud of how much i've grown. And there's so much to come.
SEPTEMBER 3 2010
I drank last night with Joscelyn and Jeremy (paper Gangster). I wanted to smoke and blaze soo bad. I got a hold of myself though. I'm proud of me.
Right now, i'm on my was to KSS to register for school. I'm registering Ines too! She is coming to live with us. I am happy. I feel relatively full. Emily and Sarah left this morning, I cried. Fuck, I miss them. I love my sisters so much.
------
Fuck, they are only accepting registrations for students in the area. I've cried because I miss them. The pain i'm feeling also has to do with Shane and Ines, confusion, and the reality of the situations. I can still hope for. I am sad.
SEPTEMBER 5 2010
Wow. Yesterday I did MDMA. I bummed it off some guy on the bus, he tried to sell me some. I made him give me a sample. I'm so pathetic. I was drinking Wisers with Riely and David and Reagen and then we went over to Mikey's and eventually Marco showed up. I decided to be stressed becuse he smoked a joint with Julie. I had half a smoke, then I fucked off to Kelowna to hang out with Robert. He ditched me to go to Rutland and so I did more MDMA. Oh yeah, I was snorting it. I had 5 more smokes at least. Then, tonight I smoked a joint. Today, i've felt fucked. I was talking to Dylan and he asked me what was on my mind. I strait up told him, all about Shane, and how I feel toxic, about me not wanting to move to Richmond and being confused about it, how Julie says I lead on guys b/c my guy friends like me. When he read it he was like 'I don't know what to say, I can't help you out, Good luck' Then he logged of or went offline. I was so pissed I messaged him and called him a fuck bag, I feel so fucking empty and depressed. I want so much more out of life, I want a purpose. I want to be loved. I feel i'm on the verge of a breakdown these days. It's getting cold, I can feel it in my bones. The cold makes me loopy. Where is my sanity? I am going insane I feel. I need to be on my own.
SEPTEMBER 6 2010
Anyways, Dylan blocked and deleted me off facebook. That actually hurt me. I wanted him. People in my life, they come and go.
SEPTEMBER 7 2010
Still livid about the Dylan thing, I feel like such a tool. I have to get over it. I talked to Ines today, she keeps me strong. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end.
----
On my way to jack Emily's address and use it to register in school.
----
whaddo you know, i'm on my was back from Keiths. I won't let the guilt consume me, there's none to be had.I didn't know I was losing weight, I slowly am. Perhaps, that was awhile ago though. Not sure. Maybe if there was more food to eat. But that's self-pity, I have enough. I have no idea how good I have it. At least I'm aware of that. I fucking miss Keith. I miss what we had. I felt like we were perfect for each other. Maybe i'm just lonley.
So just as we got rejected from Mission school and walked out the door, the secretary came out and said we actually could get in. She'd double checked 'our address'.
I'm dehydrated. I have drank only a cup of coffee today and it's almost 10 pm.
When Ines gets here things will be better. But i'm counting on her for happy? I need to keep prospering, I must keep growing.
A couple days ago I sent Shane a message on facebook. I told him how I loved him and he had hurt me. I explained my disgust with him. I told him I thought he was pathetic and that I think I wish i'd never met him.
It had to be done.
I'm trying to rid my life of negativity. I've been depressed recently. On top of everything, I don't feel I have friends to see me through it all. When it comes down to me needing help, I don't think they'd give two shits about me. This is saddening. Arrrg, i'm so thirsty.
I want to be much more healthy. I will start with drinking more water.
I'm not proud of what i've just done, I'm not ashamed either.
AUGEST 8 2010
First day of school. I saw Nellie and Dalton. Also, I met 2 German exchange students- Sebastian and Julian. And I met Mike, he sits next to me in English. I was terribly nervous today, I paced and stuttered alot. In English, I almost cried. Fortunately, I saved the crying for after school. The teacher gave us this assignment where we had to analyze a sonnet. I didn't understand it, I couldn't pick out anything. :( Mike explained it to me and gave me the answers. I still didn't understand. And then we had to stand up and say something about the sonnet. I stood there like a fool until it was just me left standing. I had nothing. I felt so stupid and pathetic. But I didn't let myself break down. Tears brimmed my eyes... I'm so motivated now, motivated to learn. To prospur. To grow.
SEPTEMBER 10 2010
I want to take pills to make the time pass. I dont want to be me.
So i've been having these feelings. Like, I can't sew through it. Fuck. I am transitioning again. This is fucked. I've already broken down today and it's only my second day at school? No, third day. I want out. The conflict is too great.
Maybe it's the cancer. Actually cancer. Boy, i'd love to say that. I feel like i'm discinigrating.
SEPTEMBER 11 2010
At times I feel weak. So weak. Take yesterday for example. I wanted to die. Right now I feel hopeful. It really is my mindstate. I need to be more positive. I'm wallowing in my own mud of self pity. It's just me at my pity party.
SEPTEMBER 15 2010
hmm. So I realize how negative I am. It's very destructive, slef-destructive. I feel to much guilt, and I don't need it. Most of it unnecessary. I'm ridding my life of guilt. People have made me feel like shit in my past for things. Namely, my father. I've never forgiven myself for things I never did. I am letting go, it isn't my fault. I feel too responsible for everything. I am not. I am accepting this.
SEPTEMBER 16 2010
Yesterday night was one of the worst and the best nights of my life. It hurt so bad i'm so glad I have Ines here. I need her optimism.
SEPTEMBER 17 2010
That night, it was so painful, I felt so guilty I didn't stand up for my mother. I should of been there for her. I let Teisha treat her like shit and degrade her like that.
The pain is here. Somehow I am battling it. I'm not letting it take me over. I won't succomb just yet. Fuck. I am sad, i'm confused, I feel so weak but I know I need to stay strong. I cannot give up. Hopefully, we are moving tonight. Oh god, let it be tonight.
I feel so alone.
SEPTEMBER 18 2010
I can't change who I am and what I feel. I can only change the things I do. If that is me lieing to myself, then so be it. I read my writings to prove that I survived. Thank god were leaving that house. Yesterday, I felt disturbed all day. Something didn't feel right. Then mom got home from work and says we weren't moving that day, we'd do it tomorrow. Why, I got so pissed. So fucking angry. Then Justin talks to Ines for hours, typical. She's thinking about getting back together with him. Fuck.. I must stop trying to keep them from getting back together. Things that are going to happen, will happen, that's it. I'm going to go insane if I keep this up. Putting energy into things that are out of my control is the stupidest idea i've had yet. I seem to do this alot, it drives me insane. Why am i so unhappy now? I feel it's out of my control. I feel like it's just the way I am. When this comes on, it could be whenever, no matter how I felt.
I slept over at Keith's last night. We fucked and I felt like shit. I always do. I was tired, I passed right out and woke up this morning at 8 and left. I feel terrible and guilty. The guilt. It's overwhelming.
Fuck.
Why do I get like this? I feel like my world is over. I can't understand why it happens. Why?
I want isolation.
I'm desolated.
I want someone like me. Right now my whole world is the pain. I'm keeping on because I know I must. I feel dead, I have no dreams. I'm so cold, i'm trying to stay warm but I keep getting colder.
Will it always be like this?
I've been binge eating, I gained 10 pounds in about a week. I'm on my to the TP's, there is nothing for me there.
Some days, I can find a little hope, and I think I can do this.
I feel so weak, I've been craving happy pills. Fuck. I want a mentor maybe...i dont know.
SEPTEMBER 22 2010
So far I'm feeling fine. I took an antidepressant today, I feel much better, anxiety free.
SEPTEMBER 23 2010
So I didn't have school today. My mother said for me to wait for her to go out and do laundry and get hair due. She said she was going to the bank with Kevin and would be right back. It's been 5 hours and she hasn't come back yet. How can she ditch me like that with no regards to my feelings? I'm hurt. :(
----
I saw her car pull up and so I ran out the back door; I told Ines and Julie to say that I left crying. I'm not crying but I feel like it. I feel so empty. I'm anxious. I've walked aways away and I'm sitting under a large willow tree, on a rock. I might be on someone's property.
My mother is working things out with him I feel. The separation is rekindling their infatuation (love? could they possibly love each other?) She even told me she wanted to spend time with Kevin and not me today. She's been spending every minute, except work and sleep with him. She has chosen then, fuck. I think I am and have been, in denial. I'm not important to her anymore. Ines is here, it would appear that she isn't doing so well. She has dropped out of her courses and is hanging out with Justin everyday (almost) It seems, we are rubbing off on her, destruction. I don't think living here is a good lifestyle for her. She even said herself she thinks she's starting to lose the ability to decipher right from wrong. I think I know she must go back. But I don't want her to leave, I feel she is holding me together. That's selfish of me. I feel terrible. I want a cigarette. Fuck.
What am I living for? I thought things were working out. I want him out of my life. Gone. forever. I'm so selfish. I want my mom for myself. I want Ines for me too. Maybe I should think about them and let them be. I know I could choose not to let this affect me. I am being a baby. I feel helpless. I don't really feel these are entries of change.
-----
I've fixed myself up in the willow tree. I feel better up here.
----
I'm now at the top of the tree. I feel slightly scared up here. I will stay.
SEPTEMBER 24 2010
A squirrel came and scared me out of the tree. I got home and took a sleeping pill and slept for 16 hours. So now my mom tells me that she might not be able to afford this place. Fuck. Why the fuck would she even move then?
I am a financial burden, not much more. Sure, people have become attached to me.
SEPTEMBER 27 2010
I went for my colopscopy today and found out that I have a 'slight hpv infection'. In other words, I have hpv.
OCTOBER 2 2010
I looked it up, abnormal cells= high risk, high risk are high risk for cancer. So i've been busy and anxious. Disorder. I made a plan too win mommy's love and break them up. I spent a day pampering her and countless hours researching methods. I drank R & R with Robert on the 28th. It was his birthday. Then, last night me, Chris + his friends, em and julie got drunk. Julie got out of control (like always) and made out with two guys who eventually fought one over it. I've been chilling with emily. I got into a fight with Keith (facebook + phone) I treated him like shit then he brought up me fucking random people and getting hpv and giving it to him. I was like "your right, you got me. I'm not laughing anymore" and blocked him. That hurt. Fuck me, fuck him.
I've dreamt of Dylan. WTF. Why do I still think about him.
My lite is dim.
I know I've been a whore.
Today, I got mad at Julie for kissing those guys. She called me a whore and said I fuck every guy that I meet. She also said Ben said I was a tease. I feel so degraded, I feel like a slut. Fuck her. I must keep changing me. I don't sleep around anymore. Fuck.
I'm so lonely. I hate being lonely.
----
It's probably like 3am. I drank with Robert and Emily and am drunk as fuck. Vodka. I smoked 2 smokes (deuces) and had two hoots of weed. Ines is out with Justin again.
"I've never felt so alone in my life"
I want someone to hold. fml. I'm getting depressed. I'm trying to deny the inevitable, i'm trying to forget the truth. I feel I have false hope. I don't want to die.
I feel ashamed; so no one knows.
I'm a pig. I've been fucking around. Time to think is time spent worrying.
----
why can't I forget that fuck--because he wasn't a fuck...he was perfect. I hate the thought that he thought I was a mouse. I was nothing like that.
I'm listening to Nightwish right now. They are so fucking amazing. However, I just thought about how Keith had told me Dylan liked them alot. I fucking love them- fuck him.
I was going at her and I couldn't even finish. I wan't to help those I care for. But, right now im going numb. I need to get
I feel so sick. I feel confused. I'm tired of living. of hurting and trying. this nothingness is intense.
OCTOBER 3 2010
Anxious, hungover. I should stop drinking to escape.
Fuck Kim, fuck her plans. I will hate her, what will I do.
I'm scared of this.
What's to come? I'm all alone.
I
ripped
my
precious
journaling
pages...
:(
it's not
like i'm
getting
anywheres...
am I getting
anywheres? I want
someone to tell me
what to do.
----
I'm in my bed, i'm in my head. I know here i'm better off.
No comments:
Post a Comment