It's Augest today

It's augest today. That's two years that my life has been stuck in this sick routine, and i wasn't even aware of it. We moved,shit changed in my life and I thought i was down a different road. Every day has been the same, it was always like this.Two years ago, this very day, i was in the same shoes. i am in my shoes. I guess it doesn't really matter does it? I am here.I am me. i know what i want..... i thought i got away? that was just a time-out, the punishment they gave me. I am back, i'm stronger now. but i need to do something
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it's augest 8th today... I think i'm becoming the one thing i never wanted to be, this self-desstructing, unproductive pig.My routine is back, the weed is like my heroin. FUCK. i smoke it and i do nothing. i smoke it all day. i can't let it tie me down. The stability, i'm on the brink of insanity, because there is no stability. I get high and I can balence my weight so i can walk. It grounds me. I'm not high, i feel antsy, the anxiety is eating me.
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augest 11th, 11:33pm
i am tired, i only slept a few hours last night, i went to bed at 5am. i'm just killing time. I'm seriously considering quitting smoking weed and getting a fucking job, quitting smoking as well. i need money. i lust for
everything i could never afford, what i don't have now. I want it all, i'll just go out there and fucking grab it.
the world is my oyster. i'm wasting awawy, this is for sure. I know i can break away. I toasted to my freedom yesterday,i got fucking shit faced in the bush. i could get drunk right now.i've smoked all my weed, nothing new. maybe i will. i will think some more tomorrow.
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AUGEST 17TH
I have moved into Teishs'as bedroom now, i quit smoking yesterday so today is my first day without smokes.? And I am without internet connection.What the fuck. I don't particularily like this room, i've gone through all my shit though. i'm the fuck i always have been, the shit i'm in ain't gone. I could be on the road tomorrow.. but i have no money.I know i should get a job. Make yourself get a job, do it. Perhaps i Will. I need money..i just bought na quarter yesterday evening and i have like a gram left! I am a fuck. And i'm about the fuck; however, i can be everything. If i constantly do productive things, I will of put alot into my character. Perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy. I am battling the baked-ass.
Perma-fryed i am starting to feel  like. FUUUCCCCKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU, FFFFUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOUUUUU!
I need a shower, what's new? I SAW IT SO CLEAR. I WAS GONE AND IT WAS RIGHT THERE, NOW I'M BACK AND I'M STUCK IN A DEADRUT. I can release me from this dead rut. I will prove that to myself. I understand it now, i can't see it because i'm living it. f-i-g-h-t. I never gave up before, what's changed now. The lazy has got the best of me.
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Augest 18th
i'm fucking pissed the fuck off. I want smokes.. i had like 3 smokes yesterday night and during the day i had a bullseye.(shared with cody/shane)I am  feneding pretty bad. i'm making my mom take me up town soon to get ice cream. My faamily is being insensitive about my quitting smoking i think. So far Kim and mom have called me a cunt, and mom called me a fucking cow yesterday and said i could walk home from uptown. I miss Ines, I miss my life, i want it back, i feel like i don't have the strength to go on with it. What am I doing to Shane? I'm toying with his heart, I am a bitch. I love him but i'm fucked. He deserves much better
than me. I wrote all this, i wrote it all. I had 150$ throughout the last 3 days and i spent it all on weed. HAHA i blaze way too much. I was quite anxious yesterday, pacing around and shit.

aUGEST 19TH
iT'S TECHNICALLY THE 19TH, CAUSE ITS 12:14 AM IN THE MORNING. sHANE JUST LEFT, WE JUST FUCKED. i'M NOT BECOMING THE PERSON
I WANT TO BE, WHY AM I BECOMING ME? i MISS MY FAMILY, I STRESS THAT ALOT. nOTHING'S THE SAME ANYMORE AND I'M AFRIAD OF CHANGE.
sTUCK IN THIS ROUTINE. mY THROAT HURTS ALOT, MUST'VE BEEN ALL THE BONG HOOTS. i MISS FACEBOOK.
-JUST VEGGED THE FUK OUT.
BEEN EATING ALOT; GOT MY MOM TO BUY ME MC DONALDS YESTERDAY AND WENDY'S TODAY AND A TUB OF CHOCOLATE ICECREAM: ALL GONE.
-WOW JUST ATE AGAIN, 2 SANDWHICHES AND A BOWL OF LEFTOVER DINNER FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK. nEVER MIND I HAD EATEN RIGHT BEFORE DINNER AND THE CONTINUOUS ICECREAM EATIN ALL DAY. THEN I HAD A SNACK AFTER DINNER.
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AUGEST 20TH
ITS KEVIN TARPEYS BDAY TODAY


but i have more questions, the first 3.5/4 were premeditated, i think i'm just wanting to talk now
and we can't have that
so i think this is goodbye..
4:18pmMe
yesi
4:18pmChad
one more
but i know i shouldn't ask this
When you got over me, does that mean you stopped loving me?
4:19pmMe
idk
no
im not in love with you
the weed makes me not care as i said b4
thats why im a bigtch
cause i say shit like it is
i dont give a fuck
4:20pmChad
oh
well
I still love you, it's hard to know that you don't
but
fuck
4:22pmChad
I just want you to hear that I love you, I care about you and the things you do even if I don't want to and you really hurt me
4:22pmMe
ya
4:22pmChad
and we can't talk anymore
i wish this was as easy is at was for you
goodbye
4:26pmMe
bye keith
try to take things easy
4:26pmChad
try to go fuck yourself
4:27pmMe
i wasnt trying to be a bitch
i was serious
sorry
and maybe i will
4:28pmChad
wouldn't suprise me
4:28pmMe
haha
fuck you
budd
4:28pmChad
budd?
fuck you
4:29pmMe
haha yeah budd
4:29pmChad
mindless fucking retard
4:29pmMe
LOLZl
shit ehhh
mother fuckin bomb
4:31pmChad
Your so rediculously transparent, maybe your trying to be obvious but angela, I'm angry. You have really hurt me so fuck you
4:31pmMe
anyways
i am trying to be obviousi
4:32pmChad
you going yet?
4:32pmMe
and im not transparent you cant see through me
4:32pmChad
you don't even understand, your really are transparent
4:32pmMe
that was a little show 4 you
caus ei know you love it
fuck you
bye
4:34pmChad
later
4:34pmMe
alright
just goatta block u
thenim loggin off
7:23pmChad is offline.

thats only the very end part of my convo, after he asked me all the questions. what a fuckk. so that happened today. I talked to Dylan today, he made me remember that i do care. I won't succomb to this bullshit forever. Not for long. Blah blah blah i keep saying this, i've been saying this for years, but i've been preparing and training and growing. I think i'm now ready.

fukk i have to go outrside cause i said to shane and dalton that i would meet thaem at the park in 7:45pm and it is now time cause i'm going to smoke weed and hash with them at calvin at cody's house, he's gone.rant end-

we never matched him.
got home. kevin in my face. in my fucking face. being drunk and fucking making me do my dishes when there is a fuck load in the sink and julie gets an allowence for doing dishes. so i did them. no complaint. he's been making sick jokes about me fucking shane, i felt uncomfrotable around him in my pink spandex pants. He's trying to dictate me, he has. I just shut up and put up. I know he's controlling me, and he doesn't deserve too. i hate it. i hate him. fuck, i've been wating for my mom for years. she still hasn't left him. were all going down with her, she is dying, i see it. my little sister, looked up to me, i'm a peice of shit, i fucked her up so much more.. weed helps me bear the weight, what can i say, unless i get away, when i'm out of the house. this is why i love kelowna. nobody could ever find me, and cuntbagkim told them all i was doing crack.
better than that. i wish i had more family. i could never ask my gramma of any such thing, same as.. fuck all my family. i'm drawn to mentally insane people. fuck.
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AUGEST 21ST 2010
I DON'T WANT TO BE ME. WHERE IS MY MOTHER? SHE ABANDONED ME IN HER UPTOPIA PROCESS. I FORGOT ABOUT IT..THE DRUGS. ALOT OF DRUGS. THEN I FORGAVE HER. BUT EVERYTHING IS THE SAME NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I FEEL EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE RIGHT NOW, I'VE BEEN CRYING. I HAVE NO WEED LEFT, THE EMOTIONS ARE SEEPING IN. THE UNSTBAILITY MAKES MY STOMACH ACHE. I- I'M ALWAYS FALLING DOWN,.
I HATE THIS LIFE.
MOM ISN'T COMING, IS SHE? WILL SHE? JULIE SAYS SHE DOESN'T NOTICE, I GUESS IT DOESN'T PHASE HER ANYMORE. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM. I MADE ME. THEY CREATE SHIT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. BUT I FEEL SO GUILTY, MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD? AM I DESTROYING OUR LIVES? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WANT TO RUN AWAY. AGAIN.
BEAUTY FADES. EVERYTHING WILL GROW OLD AND DIE. WHAT DO I DO? I HATE THIS LIFE. FUCK. I AM NEGLECTING EVERYTHING. I GET PERMA-FRYED AND I NEGLECT.
MY WISH NEVER CAME TRUE. I WANTED EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT, I WANTED TO BE HAPPY. I WANTED MY FAMILY. BUT THE YEARS HAVE GONE BY AND WE'VE ALL GONE OUR OWN WAYS. I THINK THERE IS NO HOPE LEFT FOR MY MOTHER, THIS MAKES ME SO EMPTY. I CANT LET HER DIE. IT'S MY FAULT FOR PUSHING IT. IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, HE WOULDN'T OF BEEN HERE. I SHOULD OF DIED A LONG TIME AGO. MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE..BUT I- THE GUILT.  IT'S MY FAULT THINGS ARE THE  WAY THEY ARE, I HAVE TO PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER. POOR JULIE, HER BROKEN PERSON.  I WISH I WAS NOT ME. I WISH I HAD BEEN BLOWN ONTO MY MOTHERS CHEST AND WIPED AWAY. SCUM. THAT'S WHAT I AM. THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER BEEN. I BRING PAIN, AND DRAMA. I'VE HEARD SO MANY THINGS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS TRUE ANYMORE. MANIPULATION? IS IT EMBEDDED INTO MY BRAIN? A CUNT, I TRY NOT TO FUCK AROUND. LIAR. CHEAT. THEIF. SCAM ARTIST. THE ANTI-CHRIST FOR FUCKS SAKE! A STURBBORN SLUT. ALWAYS A BITCH. SICK. DIRTY. MISANTHROPIC.FUCK MY FATHER, FUCK THAT ASSHOLE. FUCK EVERYTHING.
I'M BACK.
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Technically, again, it's augest 22. anyhow..
i am putting energy into things that are out of my control, this is surely a way to go crazy.
Question is, are they really out of my control?
my throat fucking hurts.
Perhaps i'm being a pathetic loser about all of this. My mom isn't going to die..hopefully..soon anyhow.
just read a cosmopolitan
hm
need cigarette
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Augest 22 2010

it's actually the 23rd technically. i haven't slept yet, eaeaearrrlly morrnin

i hate what i've become; it pain's me. When i get high, it shuts my mind up.. it don't solve my problems it prolongs them.
Over time, the reality seeps out,i try to stuff the cracks to shut them up.

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SEPTEMBER 05 2010

So i quit smoking and smoking weed cold turkey on the 31st. However, yesterday i did some MDMA and drank and ended up having like at least 5 smokes. Then, i smoked a joint tonight with David and Riely.
feel like a fuck. fuck , i feel i am slipping back into a deadrut. I want a purpose in this life, i need a purpose. I'm not satasfied, i want closure. Maybe, it's just a comedown from that shit. I'm in the worst mind state right now. I feel like it's crystal clear though. Here i am, feeding my body drugs and alchohol, rotting away in a trailer park, hanging out with skids who, when it comes down to crunch time, wouldn't give two shits about helping me out. I am living here and i hate it, i want out; they all tell me to finish school.. I think I need to get away. I want guidence, i need someone to tell me what to do. But, i'm still going to want what i want, to thrive for. Maybe I am ready...
Fuck.
In that case, i'm stupid to be living my life, killing my body and filling my mind with toxic waste. I might as well get on my own, where the anxiety subsides, and my mind is at ease. I might as well be on my own,
growing stronger. I'm staying up all night again, I will sleep during the day. I told Sarah I would get my belay liscence, fuck it seems to take strength. Dylan told me i wasn't self-disciplined... i guess i have let myself slip. I am even too lazy to get a job.
I WILL GET A JOB.
I WILL GET A FUCKING JOB.
cause i am out of here.
it's almost 6am, and i know i must sleep. fuck. for fuck.

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SEPTEMBER 5TH 2010

drr it's now night time. I have been trying to ignore this but is fucking bothers me alot. I unleashed my problems onto Dylan and he didn't know what to say, so he said good luck. It pissed me off and I called him a fuck bag. So he deleted and blocked me off facebook. Why does it bother me so much?? Fuck, i really liked him. I felt some weird connection there. Maybe i'm just lonley. But I know it's not that, i love the person he is, everything i ever wanted to be it seems. FUCK, he is not in my life anymore. The people in my life, they are for shit. I am for shit. I want to meet somebody, a monster maybe. I took an antidepressant awhile ago, i kind of feel fucked. Shallow breathing, i like it. fuck im such an ugly person. I hate pain, i hate the fucking pain. I am phasing again, i can feel it. My mind is going, there is nothing. I want to die, i want to die.
There is nothing for me here, it;s always been like this. I can't escape the twisted feeling, it hits me down, it drags me down. They try to comfort me and i push them away. In the past week I have hurt so many people.
If i wasn't here, this wouldn't be an issue.
FUCK.
i want it to end.
i want to go to Kelowna.
i wont go there tonight.
I want someone to talk too, someone who understands.
I feel so alone and nobody can help me.
This came on so fucking fast, it's terrible.
I'm tired of trying, i'm tired of living, of searching and hurting.
nobody understands. of course nobody understands.
I am very toxic to myself, i thought i was getting better. i feel so empty, so alone, so cold. I am cold. Why was i born
this way? What kind of a god would allow this?
It hurts so bad, and i can't change it. I tried to make the best, there is not much to do. I want to smoke, i want
to blaze...where would that get me? FUCK. maybe i am just having cigarette withdrawls.... I don't think so.
Talking to Dylan comforted me in a way I can't explain..
thats gone now. I shouldn't care, i don't deserve to feel this way about him. I don't even know him. And, obviously, i am
nothing to him.
I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't feel like i can go to school. I cant get my belay liscense.
fuck the strength is gone. i cant stop crying now. look at this self pity, i'm pathetic.
All i eve wanted was to be happy, i wanted to do good for my body. I've ruined everything. I really did.
it's so cold. i hate the cold. if i was dead, i wouldnt miss out, i'd be gone.
contemplating the end. The easy way out, it's easy to say.
i won't kill myself, i couldn't do that to my family. too bad i care so much about them.
the day went by so fast, i was on my laptop all day.
but, i'm starting to feel a little high, a little dizzy, a little sick. I like this. I am starting to feel numb.
Cold. but moreso numb.
I don't know what to do with my life. I want to cut myself, that's pathetic.
i feel sleepy and sick. i didn't spill my blood. i will lay down and sleep.
oh yeah, that pill made me numb, i like numb. It makes me think of codine.

SEPTEMBER 18TH 2010

so i didnt kill myself. thank-god? Fuck. We are moving, finally. Thank god. And because i stuck around, this didn't make it
possible. It was never up to me, never in my control. My mother decided to leave when she felt good and ready too. I could of
left a long time ago, made my life easier on myself? However, i am packing now. I made Ines move in with me. She is helping
the shit feelings. But she doesns't understand, she never will. I want someone who understands. I want them. I don't think
I want to talk to Keith for a long time, I felt guilty about being around him. I am using hi. There, i've said it. I am using
him when i feel lonley, when i want to talk to him. When it's good for me. And i feel i am done with him now, he has nothing
left too offer me. I am a bitch for saying this, for feeling this way. I can't lie to myself. What kind of a person would
I be then? I feel terrible today, so terrible. I want nothing. I am binge eating, I do that.

SEPTEMBER 24 2010

Here i am, in Mission. I've moved, my dream came true, I am happy now. Right? Not so much. I let my entire existence revolve
around him- the monster. I had this list, the ultimate list, and when everything on that list was checked off could i be
happy. I am starting to see it doesn't work that way. If i want to be happy then I must. I cannot wait for things to happen.
I thought when we got out of the house everything would be perfect. we are gone, on our own. I am not happy. In fact,
i feel quite positively hopless. I'd say it's because Kevin in still in our lives. And the seperation, seemed to do them
more good then bad. It seems to me, that it has re-kindled their infatuation (love?could they possibly love eachother??). My
mother now spends all free time with him, that means, none for me. I am hurt. I feel empty. Yesterday I thought about the end
of it all, how peaceful it seems. Only, if I was dead, it wouldn't be peaceful, it would be nothing.
AND WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL THINK ABOUT DYLAN?! THIS IS FUCKING PISSING ME OFF. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. I feel
like I need some closure. Whatever, I don't deserve it anyhow.
I just finished eating alot of fucking food, i am a fat ass binge eater, i fucking disgust myself.
I force myself to go to school, it only takes a little bit of self-discipline. I know this. However, my disease is eating
away at me and it taking my mind, my sanity, it's taking my cool. I feel feeble,I feel incapable, I don't feel fine. Yesterday,
I took a sleeping pill and slept for 16 hours to escape my reality. Ines talks of leaving, I know she should. Why did I even
make her come out here? This enviroment is terrible for her, i know this. I want out.
I know I have to take it day by day. God, i want a fucking smoke so bad. I want to get high. I want to get drunk.
I feek pathetic, as do I sound it too.